The girl was waiting the arrival of her boyfriend. She was expecting for it to be in the late fall. One day when she arrived home from school right after the school year had begun. There was a special someone waiting for her when she arrived. It was exciting and it was troubling all at the same time. While they caught up and told each other of their summer experiences, there was a part of her that was not sure she was ready to start up where they had left off before he had went to Alaska. She had met so many boys over the summer and one of them she had taken a liking to and was kind of hoping he was feeling the same way. Well the boyfriend was absolute on the way that he felt and he was ready to make a commitment that the girl was not sure she was ready to make. The girl was having such a hard time deciding if this is really what she wanted ~ she still had a lot of feelings for the boy but she knew that if they were to continue to be as serious as they had been that they would have to get married. She wanted to finish high school... she wanted to continue her fun social life....she wasn't sure if she wanted to be with just one boy. They had decided that they needed to separate for a while and to date other people. The boy said that he loved her enough to marry her and that if she was not ready yet that they need to not see each other. So it was... but not for long. One day while the girl was at school in her gym class, there was this other girl talking and she overheard what she was saying... she was telling these girls in class that she had went on a date with this guy that she had always liked and he had been away for a while and now he had was back. She liked him and was expecting to go out with him again soon. The girl knew who she was talking about... it was like someone had thrown a brick at her heart. She tried to keep her emotions from surfacing but she did not succeed. When her mother had come to pick her up from school she completely broke down and told her mom about their decision and about what she had heard in her class. The mom really understood and after asking a lot of questions about the girls feelings, the mom told the girl that it sounded like she was in love and that she needed to just let go of all her expectations of how she thought it should be. Sometimes life isn't about doing things the way everyone else thinks you should do it, but how you heart tells you how it should be done. At that point the girl only knew how much it hurt her heart to know that the boy was seeing someone else and that someone else liked him. That night she went over to the boy's house to talk to him and told him what had happened and what it felt like... That September 25th they were engaged to be married. He asked her at a park near their favorite pizza place. They went to show the ring to the girls’ mother and her boyfriend at his place... it was the boyfriends’ birthday. They were happy for the girl and her fiancé. They had not yet planned a wedding date; they were both thinking that it would be right after the girl graduated... another 20 months or so. Life was good! Love was good! She was one lucky girl~
About the time the girls’ parents divorced, she had started to come into herself. She began to feel a sense of freedom. When she was away from her home she knew that she could separate herself from all the chaos of her life.
She had decided that she wanted to be friends with the popular girls. They were confident about themselves and they seemed like they were always having fun. Soon she made lots of friends and was having a lot of fun also. When she wasn’t caring for her sisters and brother she would be at her friends’ houses. There were lots of boys that started to pay attention to her and this made her feel special. She and her friend rode their bikes that summer to the adjoining town to go to the pool and they met boys that were from there. They would call and want her and her friends to come over to their houses. Knowing these boys made the other girls in the school want to be friends with her. They would talk on the phone to the boys until late at night from her friends’ houses. They would also play night games until late in her friends’ neighborhood. It was more fun than she ever thought she could have. When school started that year she was in the popular crowd… She was having so much fun. There were a couple of the older boys that wanted to date her. She knew she looked older than she was and that she was too young to date. She would still meet them at church and she would go to the games at the high school and go to the boy’s houses. One boy wanted to get serious… he started to try and do things with her other than kiss. She did not like how this made her feel. She would tell him NO, but every time they were together he would try again. It really frightened her. It seemed that whenever any boy went with her he wanted to do things that she didn't like. It always made her remember what her father had done with her. She did her best to stay away from that feeling. There was this one boy that hung out with one of her friends’ boyfriend and he had a cool car. He had tickets to a concert and everyone knew that he was looking for someone to take. The girl was hoping that it could be her… even though he didn't know her very well. He ended up taking someone else and that made the girl wish that she knew him better. That same boy was at a dance after the game and he had needed someone to drive him and his friend home. The girl was in the back seat with him and he kissed her. The kiss was not very good, mostly because he was not in a state to be kissing. It made the girl laugh… she thought it was cute. There was this one girl that could sing really well and she was really pretty and popular. She didn't pay much attention to the girl which kind of made the girl jealous. She went to her birthday party with another friend even though she wasn't invited. She had decided that day that she wanted to this girls friend. So she was… they were the best of friends. She could always tell her everything except about what had happened with her father. The best friends’ mother was really strict and made her friend come home every day so it worked out really well because the girl would just go home with her. Now that the girl’s sisters and brother were old enough she didn't have to care for them and her mother did not seem to care that she was never home. She spent a lot of time with her best friend. She loved that there were boys at her house all the time, her best friend had brothers and they would look out for them. Her best friend also felt a lot like the girl did. When they would do something that they didn't want to do again they would help each other so the next time they would be better. The best friend got a boyfriend and she wanted the girl to go on a double date with her. When the girl found out who the date was going to be with, she was hesitant… she remembered the kiss. The boy that wanted to get serious with her previously had written in her yearbook that this boy had a crush on her. It was also that same boy that had the concert tickets that had never asked her. When they went on the date they ended up parking. The best friend was in the front seat while the girl was in the back seat and nothing happened… which was different for the girl and she didn't know what to think. He had come over to her house after that and took her on a few dates and he hadn't even tried to kiss her. She finally decided that if he was not going to kiss her, then she would kiss him. One night she was standing at the front door and he was hanging on the porch and… she kissed him. She did not feel the same way around him that she felt around the other boys. That summer was the best summer ever… she spent a lot of time with the boy and her best friend. They went many places together with the boy and his friend. The boy drove a really cool sports car that had a top that came down. They drove around and listened to music… Carly Simon was singing “That’s the Way I heard it Should Be “. They went to the movies and went to get pizza a lot. The girl really liked the boy and wanted to be with him all the time. The girl started school that year in love. All she knew is that she felt so good around him. He treated her so well and she was sure they were going to get married. They had talked about it, even though she knew she was too young. They could get engaged and wait until she finished school. Everyone would tell her that she was crazy to be so serious with just one boy. She tried to like other boys but none of them made her feel like this boy did. The girls’ mother really liked the boy and let him come over and stay as much as he wanted. The boy and the girl had started to get to a place where they were really comfortable with each other. A lot of people would say… to comfortable. They both knew that they needed to slow down or they would not be able to last until she graduated. The boy’s friend that was her best friends boyfriend had a sister in Alaska and the boy and his friend decided to go up there and work. They had heard that they could go and make a lot more money than they could in their own town because of a pipeline they were building. The boy thought it was a good idea since he and the girl felt they were getting too serious. So the boy went and the girl was really sad for it seemed to be a long time. In the beginning the girl wrote a lot of letters. She couldn't call him because the long distant charge for the phone was so much money. She would wait for his letters but they would take a long time to come from so far away. When she did receive a letter she would be so happy. The letters began to slow down and they would only talk on the phone every few weeks. Soon the weather started to warm up the girl found other things to do with her time. Her and her best friend spent more time together than ever before. They would write letters to each other during class even though they would be together as soon as class was over. They were both really lucky because there were always boys that wanted them to hang out and do things on the weekends. They would go to the games and to the dances. Life was good… even though her boy was away and doing what he needed to do for himself. And so it was that life brought her many new adventures and people that summer. The girls’ mother decided she wanted to move out of the house that her father was paying for. It was time for the mother to separate herself from the father. The mother had herself a new man in her life and this man made her mother really happy. The girl was really excited at first. She could never remember living anywhere but the same town. The place where the girl moved to was an apartment building and there were people there that really scared her. They would always want to fight the girl and they would call her names like “White honky bitch” and one time a girl pulled out a knife on her because she didn't like her going to the pool. This made the girl want to stay at her friend’s house more than ever. She was really blessed to have somewhere she could go and feel safe. Oh that summer… so much fun… so many boys….so many older boys from another town. Even though the girl was barely old enough to even date she was hanging out with boys that were graduated and had places of their own. These boys had parties every weekend. There were lots of people… people that were from her school and people from other schools. The boys that had their own house were really nice to the girl and her friends. They would call them jail bait and would look after them and let them know if they felt that they were getting into trouble. The girl and her best friend had huge crushes on a couple of the boys. They were really lucky to be with these boys that did not take advantage of them. The girl could not believe herself… she had come to know so many people that summer. Some of them taught her how she did not want to be and who she did not want to be with. She knew even more that she absolutely loved who her boy was and how he was with her. She was even surer she was going to marry him. Meanwhile she just enjoyed all the attention and had so much fun. The summer was almost over and the boy decided he wanted to come home. That was exciting for her and she couldn't wait but… what about all this that she was doing? Did she want it to come to an end? How would he coming home change what was her life now? When the girl was around nine but for sure by ten some things started to change. Her father seemed to pay more attention to her and tell her how pretty and smart she was. He would tell the sisters, "Why can't you be like your big sister, she is so pretty and so smart. She never does anything wrong”. It was around that same time she was watching TV with her father late at night. Which he never used to let her do and so it made her feel really special. He was being very loving and she was enjoying his attention. He began touching himself and then he grabbed her hand to touch also. She did not feel like it was right and it made her feel afraid so she didn't stay up late with him ever again. He had come to her after that night and told her if she ever told anyone he would whip her harder than ever. Of course being the good girl... She never told.
Sometime after that her father started coming into her bedroom late at night after she had fallen asleep, he would touch her in places that felt good. She was confused and was not sure if she should let it continue. At some time she decided that it did not feel right and that she would figure out a way to have him stop. When she would hear him coming in she would move around and make it difficult to touch her. She would also get up and go into the bathroom and stay in there until he would leave. Soon came a time where the girl started to feel that he was coming in less, but she also felt like he was going to her little sisters beds. This made her feel really bad and so she knew that she would let her father continue the next time he tried... so she did. There were several times the father got really brave and would touch her other than in her bed. Once when the family went on a camping trip and it was raining. They were lying on the beds in the tent trailer. The girl was next to her father. They were under the covers and the father touched her while her mother was just across them in the other bed lying with the other kids. She knew this was wrong but she was too afraid to say anything. The girl thought often to tell a teacher or one of her friends but she never did. She would stay at her friends’ houses as much as possible and felt very lucky to be able to. She would never have them come over to her house. Somehow she was able to work this out. She was very thankful for her friends and their parents. This gave her somehow to not think of her life at home. She did miss her mother but she did not miss anyone else. She felt very blessed and knew that someone or something was always there to help her at that time. She was really blessed to have had a horse named CB. This horse was not just her horse. Her father and her uncle had brought it home and kept it in the pasture behind their shop. Not only was she responsible for caring for it but her cousins and her sisters were also. She felt a very strong connection to CB. She also felt the horse was only there for her. She knew that the horse was smart. CB would buck everyone else off that rode her, so it ended up everyone was afraid of her. The girl never felt afraid… CB had a sickness that caused her to go away and this made the girl very sad. Soon another horse showed up. One of the neighbors needed somewhere for their horse to eat grass by the name of Minihaha. The girl was lucky enough to get to take care of this horse and was able to ride it whenever she wanted to. That time in her life was very confused but having something to care for, made her feel safe and gave her strength to know it was going to okay. When the girl was about thirteen the mother and the father were fighting more than ever. The mother was crying almost all the time and the father was gone more often from home. The mother also started to dress differently. She was wearing dresses that were shorter and showed more of her body. She had told the girls that she wanted to look sexy. The girl always thought the mother was perfect just the way she was. She didn’t like the way her mother was acting. It made her want to be away from home even more. One day the girl’s mother called her to come to her room to speak to her. Her sisters were in the room also. The mother said that one of the sisters had said that the father was coming into their rooms and touching parts of their body that made them feel weird. She wanted to know if it was happening to the girl also. She was so scared... She wanted her to know but she did not want the mother feeling bad or any more sad… She told her it was true. The mother asked why she had never told her and she had said because she was afraid. The mother understood and nothing was ever said about it again. One night the girl walked in on the mother listening on the phone. She motioned for the girl to be quiet. The mother listened for a while and then she spoke to whoever was on the phone and said crying, “I know what is going on, I know you have a girlfriend, please stop seeing her”. The father just packed his stuff and left. The mother was so upset she cried all the time. She loved the father and wanted him to come back. The mother said she would do anything for the father to come back. The mother said she loved the father so much. She could not live without him. The girl could not understand. Why would the mother want this father back, which was so mean and was doing these terrible things to her and her sisters? Didn't the mother love her kids more than the father? Now the girl was really confused. She was glad the father left. She didn't want him to ever come back... but he did come back… but not for long. The mother let him be with her but also let him be with the girlfriend. Finally the mother and the father separated. The father’s girlfriend tried to be a friend to the girl. She was only five years older than her. The girl thought it was cool, but she also knew the girlfriend was not like someone she wanted as a friend or to be anything like her. There was one time after the father moved out that he went on a camping trip and wanted to bring the girls. The mother wanted them to go, so they did… even though they told their mother that they did not want to. The mother said that she knew he would not try to touch them. The first night the father did touch the sisters, so the next night the girl and the sisters decided to sleep outside on a blanket to stay away from the father. The father got so upset and took the girls home that day. When the girls told the mother, she said that they would never have to go with him again. The mother and father divorced. The mother still wanted the father to be with her. The girl was gone so much by now that she no longer cared what happened any more. There once was a girl who was the first one to be born in a family. When the girl was two she got a baby sister and once again when she was three. She felt very protective of her baby sisters. Her father was always very angry with them and with the mother. One hot August day when the girl was four her mother had told her as soon as the lawn was mowed, she could run through the sprinklers. When the mother went to empty the bag of grass in the back yard the girl was in the front trying to help the mother finish. She went to the lawn mower to pick up some loose grass; her foot must have got a little too close. The next thing her little sister was screaming. There was a lot of blood. The mother came running and when she had seen what had happened, she ran into the house to get something to wrap the foot with. She put all the kids in the car, soon the car was pulling over on the freeway overheated and then a policeman came to help them. When she woke up she was in the hospital bed with a huge cast on and a big teddy bear. There was her favorite Aunt sitting next to her with her mother. She spent a long time at the Children's Hospital with the really nice nurses. She was still not able to walk that Christmas, she had got a doll that walked and she was still not able to. You would never have known she was missing most of her toes on her left foot. She was very blessed to soon be able to walk and run normally.
The girl loved her mother very much. Her mother was a very beautiful and loving mother. She would take the time to play with her and her sisters. She would make houses out of sheets and would play house and dolls with them. She would protect her and hold her when she was hurt or sad. She really loved it when her mother would brush her hair. The little girl would brush her mother’s hair also, the girl would make the cutest pony tails and the mother would think she looked so beautiful when she was done. The girl was really afraid of her father. He would yell a lot and call her mother fat, ugly and really bad names. When the mother would clean the house he would find the things that he didn't think had been done and make her clean it over again until he thought it was good enough. He was always telling the mother how stupid she was. The mother would always tell the girl and her sisters to not tell the father when bad things would happen. One time the family went on a picnic and the mother forgot the salt and pepper. The father got so angry and was saying such mean things, that the mother was crying and everyone that was around could hear and see how mean the father was. The kids were so afraid of the father that they would try very hard to stay away and to be very good so the father would not hurt them. When the father would get angry at them he would yell at them and call them stupid and he would hit them really hard with the back of his hand and a lot of times it was with his belt. When the girl would cry he would get even angrier and hit or whip her even harder and tell her to stop crying, so the girl got really good at not crying. When her sisters would do something that the father didn’t like he would tell the girl “you are the oldest and most responsible you need to make sure they do not get into trouble”. When they did, she was the one that got whipped. The girl thought she would be smart the next time her father would tell her that she was going to get a whipping. She would run into her room and put on extra pants. That did not last long, when the father figured it out he decided that he would pull her pants down to whip her. The youngest sister was told all the time that she was not planned and that she was a mistake, she was ugly and fat and she couldn’t do anything right. When the girl was seven she got a baby brother he was sick a lot and had to go to hospital to get shots to stay well. When the girl turned eight she was so excited... It was the best birthday ever! She was going to have her very first birthday party, she was going to get baptized into her church and her very favorite Aunt was getting married on the exact day of her birthday. She felt so special ~ she knew she was her aunt’s favorite. When she got to stay with her aunt it felt so good. She often wished that her mother and father would die somehow and she would get to go live with her aunt. She knew that she would be safe with her. The girl was at school one day and it was recess. She was playing tag outside. She was running along the curb and slipped and fell and broke her two front teeth. When they took her into the office they could not get a hold of her mother, when she was told that they were calling her father she starting crying so hard, and asked them please to not to call him. She was so afraid of what her father was going to do to her when he found out what had happened. It was the mother that finally came. The girl had to wear silver crowns on her teeth. The dentist wanted her to wear them a long time but the mother talked him into putting on white crowns because the girl would never smile. Some of the kids at school were so mean to her and called her silver bells. The father did not want to pay for what it was going to cost, but the mother knew it was important to the girl. The mother spoke to the dentist and he agreed he would do it and the mother could make payments. It was one of the best days ever...she could smile again. This morning I went through my pictures of myself to begin my story... if you would like to check them out you can see them on my ABOUT ME tab. In doing this I was trying to come to a space that I could tell my story. Some of the thoughts that I had were~ What was this beautiful child thinking at this time? What were her feelings~ what she was thinking others were feeling~ I know that I want to tell my story through her eyes at the time of the events that happened. This is somewhat of a space to give her a voice. To do some INNER CHILD work. I have done some in the past but she is still prompting me, so I guess I still have some work to do. I have come to have faith that is why we are here, is because we all have work to do. When our work is done we really have no reason to be in our earthly body. I feel that we have chosen this life whatever it is... and the experience that we have with it... to live our life purpose. There is a children's book that is so amazing that I love... "The Little Soul and the Sun” by Neale Donald Walsh. It brings me to tears every time I read it! The book talks about the Grand Design of life. Our purpose in life, in relation to ourselves and to others. That we are beautiful and magnificent souls, loved unconditionally by God! The Little Soul and the Sun is a simple and powerful story that brings us a very profound truth~ there is no absolute good or bad - that underneath all that happens in the world, all that we call "good" and all that we call "bad" is love. You will discover a God that we can love, because God is love, as are all the Little Souls who are part of God. And perhaps you will rediscover who you really are. I just came to knowing how I want to tell my story.... as it is told in this book! Thank you God for everything~ As I begin to write this blog today and look into the face of the girl in this picture when she was around nine or ten... I have enormous fear running through me. You are most likely wondering why that is. Well... this blog is for me to tell my story.
I do not know where this blog page will take me or how many people will actually read it. I do know that my spirit has guided me to this very moment. Typing away as my fingers shake to let all that have had similar experiences or that can relate to me... to have the belief and the strength to know what is possible. I will share my journey to overcoming the pain of the past. How I was able to FORGIVE and reinvent my relationships. The names of the forgiven may be changed to alleviate me from asking their permission. I accept that the family and friends that read this will know who the forgiven are and that is something that I cannot change. As I ponder how to start I feel my mind is trying to figure out how I can share without judging or making anyone less than. My intention is not to make you feel sorry for me or to be upset at those who were involved. My intention is to see that everyone can release the past and you can also forgive everyone. As I quote from author Louise Hay in the book "You Can Heal Your Life" and the Power Thought Cards that you can buy of hers... (check out my RESOURCE STUFF tab to obtain these and other material that I will attribute to that has helped me to the present). "I free myself and everyone in my life from old past hurts. They are free and I am free to move into new, glorious experiences". I also realize that many people have their own cross to bear, I believe that it is our responsibility to grow stronger from it. Out of painful experiences we develop strength and authenticity. How you live your life is your choice. You can either be a victim or an advocate. As I continue to use this blog to tell my story I choose to be an advocate. I set out from this day forward for others to draw from my energy and choose to believe that you to can have the strength to heal those past wounds and gain the power to know that... "You are where you are in your life today because of or in spite of your life experiences". I am very blessed to have been open to the resources in my life to develop the tools to be able to have my life as it is today. I aspire for others to try my stuff on for size, to see if it is a fit for them! I will begin my story from when I was eight years old... Why ~ you may wonder… because that is the last age I remember being in a time that I was somewhat filled with a sense of safety and trust until recently. Being with that eight year old self of mine and giving her a voice... she is telling me that I need to let her write as she felt at the time, and what her feelings were as she grew older. So here I am...letting her use me as her vehicle to let herself be heard~ to let the ghosts out of the closet~ to pull up the rug and get those events out that have been swept underneath~ please remember that this is her story as she remembers it. Please press the RSS feed if you would like to access this page and my future pages from your toolbar... See you on my next blog Today I would like to dedicate my blog to my mom ~
She was born on 1-13-39 ~ Friday the 13th (a very lucky day, I would say). Being the youngest of a family of 14 children. She left her body on 11-21-93 (a young 54 year old) on a Sunday morning of a massive heart attact. I know that God called her home. It was her time. I feel VERY blessed to have her as my mother. I know for sure she was my salvation growing up. She is a very special spirit. While she was here in body she was someone I continue to aspire to... Some of her attributes includes ~ UNCONDITIONAL LOVE: As I reflect on this my feelings are mixed. I felt that love could have had some conditions. I do not feel her love extended to herself. The life she endured as a wife could have been different if she held herself in love. Others took advantage of her, belittled her, abused her and she loved them anyway. There are times I have felt if she loved us more that the things that went on inside our home would have never happened. If she would have loved herself more maybe she would be here today... Who's to say? I do know that I felt her love as a child and I still do as I journey rediscovering who I am authentically. Through my experience of who I thought she was has taught me to be different (a chain breaker). It is neither good or bad it is what it is. AUTHENTIC SPIRITUALITY: This attribute for me is a big one! Even though my mother came from a strong religious background being a Latter Day Saint (Mormon). We were not active in the church. That could be because my dad did not support her in attending church. We did go sometimes when I was young and when I became a teenager I went because that was where all my friends went and to attend the social activities. I did feel that it was the right thing to do... I just could never comply to all that was expected of me to be an active member. Me being who I am felt VERY GUILTY not being able to live to those expectations. What my mother did was instill in me FAITH ~ THE POWER OF PRAYER ~ THE CONNECTION OF SPIRIT and THAT WE CAME FROM AND WILL RETURN TO SOMETHING MORE THAN THIS LIFE ~ When I married my husband and became a mother we decided to live the life as an active LDS family. We did an pretty good job of it for about 6 years and then we fell away. Since that time I lived with A LOT of guilt. It has only been recently... about 1 year or so that I have been able to release that quilt and fully give myself to MY AUTHENTIC SPIRITUALITY ~ Knowing that I am a child of God and that he loves me for who I am not for what religion I belong to. As I pray or meditate or focus on my Yoga poses I am more connected to spirit that I have ever been. I feel the love that Divine has for me and when I tap into that love I am guided to live my best life. BEING IN THE PRESENT~ This attribute is amazing! As I was young I remember many times my mother dropping what she was doing to read a story or play house with us... one of my favorite things was her helping us make a play house out of sheets either in the house or outside. She would brush my hair just because... of course she would always want the favor returned. When she became a grandmother she would do the same for her grandchildren. My children loved spending time with her because when they did she gave herself 100% to being with them. Whether it be making cookies ~ watching movies and eating popcorn ~ sitting down on their level and being their playmate. That I absolutely love her for. I did not do very well being this for my own children. I find myself wanting to be for my grandchildren... It is something I have to try to be... my Mom never had to try... she just was. HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM ~ thanks for being YOU! I could go on but I choose to come to an end to this blog I just want to say to those of you reading this... If a way of being makes you feel LESS THAN or GUILTY or CREATES UPSET then look at that feeling and go inside and decide if it is authentically yours. Is that WHO YOU REALLY ARE or SOMEONE THAT WHO YOU THINK YOU SHOULD BE. When you find your true self and release all the expectations of others. That is when you can live your TRUE PURPOSE. ~ Here is living your own life ~ Abundance I AM~ |